Misconceptions and body image concerns can interfere with pleasure and intimacy
At some point in their lives, most people have heard (or even believed) at least one of the following:
- "Have sex on the third date"
- "Women shouldn't initiate"
- "Fat isn't sexy"
- "Men don't like to cuddle"
And yet who makes these rules and ideas up? What's so magical about a third date anyway? Certainly women and men can be trusted to make up their own rules as they go along, right?
Rigid ideas of how sex "should" or "shouldn't" happen can get in the way of two people exploring and learning what feels good to them. Take time to consider your own values, likes and dislikes about sex -- not just in general, but in each new relationship (and as a long-term relationship progresses). Also, take time to explore each other's (including your own) body to learn what feels good. Just because your best friend thinks that missionary is boring doesn't mean that you will. In fact, one of the most time-tested positions as far as orgasm goes is a variation on missionary.
Try challenging ideas about sex that seem to hold you back. Worried that women shouldn't initiate a steamy make-out session (or sex) even though you're itching to pull your partner onto the couch? So worried that men shouldn't like a good cuddle that you shy away from one? First, most men enjoy cuddling -- second, even if they didn't, why let what other men do get in the way of your own wants and needs?
A common concern that inhibits women and men in the bedroom is a concern that their bodies aren't attractive or sexy (at least when compared to airbrushed versions of bodies in mainstream media). This anxiety can interfere with people feeling comfortable naked in front of their partners. It can also keep couples from acting on urges for afternoon sex in a well-lit room, or from embracing their sexuality as they age and notice the way that time has changed their physical bodies. Reminding yourself that bodies of all shapes, sizes and ages have the potential to be sexy and that people have a common desire to hold and be held may stir the courage to be vulnerable to a partner -- anxieties, imperfections and all.
The next time you're feeling held back by difficult ideas or stereotypes about sex, try asking yourself where these ideas have come from -- your family? Friends? Movies? Magazines? -- and then keep the ideas that enhance your life and get rid of those that don't fit. Being sexual (whether that's kissing, touching, or full-on nakedness) with someone you're crazy about has too much potential for pleasure and intimacy to be held back by misconceptions.
Debby Herbenick is associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion in Indiana University Bloomington's School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation and a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute for Rearch in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. A researcher and highly sought after educator, Herbenick has appeared on national television and her columns are read in newspapers and magazines nationwide. Herbenick can answer your sexual health questions at http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/ and you can visit her blog at http://www.mysexprofessor.com/.
To read more Active for Life blogs by Debby Herbenick, visit http://newsinfo.iu.edu/cat/page/normal/464.html.
